By Carla Harvey, Grief Specialist and Parting Stone Partner Success Manager

From the time we are children, it is ingrained in us that holidays are a time to spend with loved ones. Our memories of the season are often warm and fuzzy, filled with food, laughter, and gifts. But experiencing the first holiday without someone you love can be profoundly challenging, even if some time has passed since their loss. Holidays are particularly difficult because they magnify the absence of our loved ones; they signify the end of familiar traditions as we know them.

Additionally, the hustle and bustle of the season can feel overwhelming. There is societal pressure at every turn to have a "perfect" holiday, and it’s easy to feel that we shouldn't experience happiness during a period of grief. Let’s set this one straight: it’s okay to be happy. Laughing, joking, or finding joy in small things doesn’t diminish the love you have for your departed spouse, parent, or loved one. Your emotions are valid, and joy can coexist with grief.

 

How to Cope During the Holidays

The first step is to determine what will feel meaningful and supportive for you this holiday season. Ask yourself: What would be helpful or comforting? Is it driving around to look at Christmas lights while listening to a playlist of your loved one’s favorite songs? Is it ensuring the kids have their gifts, or would it be better to scale back and wait until next year to engage with holiday traditions?

Sometimes, the anticipation of the holidays is worse than the day itself. Grief can be isolating. You might feel afraid to attend a party, fearing overwhelming emotions. While it’s okay to take a step back from the holidays after a loss, sitting at home alone may not be the best answer either. The reality is, there’s no easy way around the pain. Sometimes, you need to lean into it to find a path forward.

If you do choose to attend a holiday event, having an exit strategy can provide peace of mind. Let the host know in advance that you may only stay for a short time, but keep the option open to stay longer if you feel up to it. Allow yourself to take breaks when needed. A five-minute walk outside can be refreshing and help you regain composure.

Finding Your New Normal

You may have heard the term “new normal” during your grief journey. This means learning to adjust to life without your loved one, incorporating the pain of grief while still finding ways to move forward. Part of this process can include honoring old traditions or creating new ones that bring meaning to the holidays. Let your family and friends know which traditions are comforting and which ones feel too painful. It’s perfectly okay to let some traditions go and to make new ones that reflect your current life.

Ideas for Honoring a Loved One:

• Food Traditions: If your loved one had a favorite holiday dish, you can name it after them or use their recipe as a way to keep their memory alive.
• Music Playlists: Create a holiday playlist with songs that remind you of your loved one, especially if they were always in charge of the music.
• Extra Place Setting: Leave an extra plate or chair at the table as a symbolic gesture to honor their presence.
• Memory Sharing: Get a Christmas stocking and have everyone write down their favorite memories of your loved one. Read them together after dessert.
• Acknowledging Their Presence: Don’t hesitate to use their name. For example, say, “[Name] would have been caroling with a hot toddy by now.” This can help others feel comfortable sharing their own memories.

Creating Space for Reflection

If you choose to spend the holiday alone, consider going to a place where you feel close to your loved one and having a conversation with them. Writing them a letter can also be a powerful way to express your feelings. These acts of connection can bring a sense of comfort and healing.

Remember, there is no right or wrong way to handle grief during the holidays. Do what feels best for you, and allow yourself grace. Whether you embrace old traditions, create new ones, or simply take the season one moment at a time, know that your journey is uniquely yours.

About Carla Harvey

Carla Harvey is a Grief Specialist, end-of-life Doula, and Thanatologist with over a decade of experience in funeral service, hospice, and coaching. She holds degrees in Mortuary Science, Funeral Service Business and Management, and holds multiple certifications in her field as well. Carla is also an accomplished artist and published author.

In 2017, Carla founded Good Grief LA, a bereavement center, and has worked with hundreds of clients including veterans, young adults, and the terminally ill. As an advocate for the Death Positive movement, her goal is to normalize the death and grieving processes and to assist her clients in finding some beauty in this difficult aspect of life.